Harshest Sea & The Dry Desert

The feeling of loneliness is so hard. The loneliness of not having him next to us. I find myself crying more these days. Any small memory triggers an overflow of tears and sobs. I try to not cry because I want AA to see that we are doing okay but it is hard not to when you miss him so much. How do people cope with this? How do people continue living? I do not know how to keep going sometimes. In life, never would I have thought that I would have lost one of my best friends as AA was to me. To remember his facial expressions or his utterances and know what he meant or wanted was the best feeling ever. To know someone so well and to love them so deeply probably is the greatest of all feelings. I hope that one day the desert of my soul will gain life again and have beauty and life grow in it once again. I hope that it comes soon because the pain in unbearable and it is forever. I love you AA.
Roi

Thinking of Our Baby

The weekend passed rather quickly as we packed up Andrew Aidan's belongings and reorganized the house. It is always tough to see all of his things all over again. I really broke down yesterday and had to stop what I was doing. We visited AA yesterday for a while as we changed his wreath. We have been placing a wreath on his site every week until his stone finally gets placed. I was walking home today from a dentist appointment and decided to stop by and see him again. Just like in life, I could never get enough of him and that is still true. I love our boy so much. We had some friends and family come over on the weekend to help us reorganize the house and we are so grateful for that as well. Today was also Michelle's first day back at work. I wish her the best today. Please appreciate the important things in life, you never know when they can be gone. God bless.
Roi

Wednesday Picnic With AA

Today Wednesday was a better day. We had some errands to run before Michelle goes back to work on Monday and that surely helped us in staying distracted. We have learnt that the more you do during grieving that the smoother your days appears to go even though it really doesn't. Well we went to see AA today at the cemetary and have lunch with him. We went to Boston Market ( he totally loved the Mac & Cheese from there). We picked up a salad each and sat next to him while we ate and played one of his Bob the Builder cartoons. Beemer was also with us as we enjoyed our time with our precious one who I am certain was also there in Spirit. The calmness we felt while at his site was really soothing. We also worked on organizing some of AA's things that were in the basement. That was a bit more difficult but thankfully we had some family come over and help us out. Have a great evening.
Roi

Fireflies In The Park

Hello everyone. Things have been very tough lately. We found out this week that another family we were close to at Sloan lost their battle as their son passed on to the next phase of life. We wish them well. Michelle had a rough time on Tuesday as well as she broke down thinking of AA. Tuesday evening we went to the Compassionate Friends bereavement group in Manhattan and had a nice experience. We met some nice people that are going through similar experiences. What is nice about Compassionate Friends is that the loved ones lost have passed from all different scenarios. They are not only for families of cancer patients. We saw that many people have also suffered extreme tragedy and we wish them continue prayers and support. One activity that we liked from the group was when every one had a chance to tell a funny story of your loved one. My choice was of when I asked Andrew Aidan who was his daddy and he pointed to me and said "Bob the Builder". That was vintage AA. Always on his toes with the greatest responses. Afterwards Michelle and I walked to Madison Square Park and shared memories of AA while enjoying a night time snack at the Shake Shack. All in all it was another hard day which brought with it love, joy, tears, sadness and longing.
Roi

Road To Recovery

After every type of natural disaster, such as, earthquakes, hurricanes just to name a few, there is a recovery process. At first, it's shock and disbelief at the onset of such humbling displays of natural power. Then another step that comes shortly thereafter is teamwork. Teamwork to help clean up, to help the sick and wounded and to gather supplies. We were wounded again on Wednesday morning when I broke down when I went downstairs to the basement for the first time in a very long time. Wednesday evening, we continued our teamwork phase as we attended our first bereavement group meeting at Memorial Sloan Kettering. We met four famines that went through very similar experiences. We were the newest family there. Some lost their loved ones a year ago up to someone who lost their daughter ten years ago. The group was very helpful and we look forward to meeting with them very soon. We also are going to start going to The Compassionate Friends bereavement group that they participate in and look forward to gaining more support in this unbearable journey. We noticed that they still grieve and we have come to the realization that we will continue to grieve for the rest of our lives. Grieving this type of loss is something that we will take with us for the rest of our lives and we are coming to terms with that. This will not get better as some people have stated to us. We will cry forever and it's okay because he meant and means that much to us.
Roi

The Angel & The Flower

Hello everyone,

The last couple of days have been difficult and that is why we haven’t posted anything the last couple of days. We have been having a lot of reflective moments, both good and bad. Michelle's cousin from Ecuador posted a very nice short story on Facebook called "The Angel". I am posting it for those that do not have Facebook and for those that do not speak Spanish. We miss our boy and are very happy for the continued support and kind words we get daily from everyone. We love you all.

Roi

 THE ANGEL

"Whenever a good child dies, an angel of God comes down from heaven, takes the dead child in his arms, spreads out his great white wings, and flies with him over all the places which the child had loved during his life. Then he gathers a large handful of flowers, which he carries up to the Almighty, that they may bloom more brightly in heaven than they do on earth. And the Almighty presses the flowers to His heart, but He kisses the flower that pleases Him best, and it receives a voice, and is able to join the song of the chorus of bliss." These words were spoken by an angel of God, as he carried a dead child up to heaven, and the child listened as if in a dream. Then they passed over well-known spots, where the little one had often played, and through beautiful gardens full of lovely flowers. "Which of these shall we take with us to heaven to be transplanted there?" asked the angel. Close by grew a slender, beautiful, rose-bush, but some wicked hand had broken the stem, and the half-opened rosebuds hung faded and withered on the trailing branches. "Poor rose-bush!" said the child, "let us take it with us to heaven, that it may bloom above in God's garden." The angel took up the rose-bush; then he kissed the child, and the little one half opened his eyes. The angel gathered also some beautiful flowers, as well as a few humble buttercups and heart's-ease. "Now we have flowers enough," said the child; but the angel only nodded, he did not fly upward to heaven. It was night, and quite still in the great town. Here they remained, and the angel hovered over a small, narrow street, in which lay a large heap of straw, ashes, and sweepings from the houses of people who had removed. There lay fragments of plates, pieces of plaster, rags, old hats, and other rubbish not pleasant to see. Amidst all this confusion, the angel pointed to the pieces of a broken flower-pot, and to a lump of earth which had fallen out of it. The earth had been kept from falling to pieces by the roots of a withered field-flower, which had been thrown amongst the rubbish. "We will take this with us," said the angel, "I will tell you why as we fly along." And as they flew the angel related the history. "Down in that narrow lane, in a low cellar, lived a poor sick boy; he had been afflicted from his childhood, and even in his best days he could just manage to walk up and down the room on crutches once or twice, but no more. During some days in summer, the sunbeams would lie on the floor of the cellar for about half an hour. In this spot the poor sick boy would sit warming himself in the sunshine, and watching the red blood through his delicate fingers as he held them before his face. Then he would say he had been out, yet he knew nothing of the green forest in its spring verdure, till a neighbor's son brought him a green bough from a beech-tree. This he would place over his head, and fancy that he was in the beech-wood while the sun shone, and the birds carolled gayly. One spring day the neighbor's boy brought him some field-flowers, and among them was one to which the root still adhered. This he carefully planted in a flower-pot, and placed in a window-seat near his bed. And the flower had been planted by a fortunate hand, for it grew, put forth fresh shoots, and blossomed every year. It became a splendid flower-garden to the sick boy, and his little treasure upon earth. He watered it, and cherished it, and took care it should have the benefit of every sunbeam that found its way into the cellar, from the earliest morning ray to the evening sunset. The flower entwined itself even in his dreams—for him it bloomed, for him spread its perfume. And it gladdened his eyes, and to the flower he turned, even in death, when the Lord called him. He has been one year with God. During that time the flower has stood in the window, withered and forgotten, till at length cast out among the sweepings into the street, on the day of the lodgers' removal. And this poor flower, withered and faded as it is, we have added to our nosegay, because it gave more real joy than the most beautiful flower in the garden of a queen." "But how do you know all this?" asked the child whom the angel was carrying to heaven. "I know it," said the angel, "because I myself was the poor sick boy who walked upon crutches, and I know my own flower well."Then the child opened his eyes and looked into the glorious happy face of the angel, and at the same moment they found themselves in that heavenly home where all is happiness and joy. And God pressed the dead child to His heart, and wings were given him so that he could fly with the angel, hand in hand. Then the Almighty pressed all the flowers to His heart; but He kissed the withered field-flower, and it received a voice. Then it joined in the song of the angels, who surrounded the throne, some near, and others in a distant circle, but all equally happy. They all joined in the chorus of praise, both great and small,—the good, happy child, and the poor field-flower, that once lay withered and cast away on a heap of rubbish in a narrow, dark street.

1 Month Anniversary

The winds may erode the sands of the
World
And the rains may wash away the dirt of the hills
Time may melt away the years of our youth
But never will it erase the thoughts of you.
Your heart and your soul beat more today
While your smile and your love carry us away from pain.
Done with the war and the fear
That you no longer have to fight
Thankfully because of you we will be alright.
Roi Le Gar

Today marks one month in which our magical prince moved to his new home. We have our moments in which we miss him terribly as we have days that are filled with joy as we remember the wonderful love that he made us feel. The silly moments when he made us laugh and the beautiful times when he made us proud. He will forever be our Angel Warrior and each day that passes gets us a step closer to him. Please tell us what you appreciate more since AA has come into your life it would really help us to continue moving forward in our lives. We love you Andrew. Send us your message to r.legar@gmail.com
Roi and Michelle

Johnny Cash & The Angel

Hi Everyone...As the days have been getting closer to AA's one month anniversary of his passing, we have been really struggling in dealing with things. The last couple of days have been extremely difficult for us and we hope to find hope in anything possible. In Johnny Cash's song "Hurt" he opens this somber song with the lyrics "I hurt myself today, To see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, The only thing that's real,". The reality is not that we focus on the pain we feel but that we have loved so deeply that it is still an inconceivable nightmare. An infernal nightmare, we wake up every day hoping that we live in some sort of horrible joke played on us and that our boy is still here with us in body. This pain is the only thing that is real for us. We are trying to make it through these hard days and hope to God that he helps.  That's why I thought that I would share this very nice letter from and angel with you. It reminds me of AA, our Angel Warrior and how he is with his angel brothers. I hope to see him one day in Heaven again. Just a bit of inspiration to help me get through my day and hopefully it does the same for you. You all have helped us so very much in mind, spirit and body and the least we can do is give you hope that even though we all struggle and face extremely harsh difficulties in life, we can some how get through it by helping each other. Thank you and good night.
Roi

The following is from Jacob Charian writing in Beyond the Sunday School: Letter from an Angel Warrior:

Hi,

I have seen some of your paintings of angels. Not very accurate. Why do some of your artists try to make us look like lovely, soft women or cute, chubby babies? Let’s correct that idea right now.

When you think of an angel, don’t think of soft clouds or little cupid-like cherubs decorating packages of bathroom tissue. Angels are terrible warriors. We are the army of the Living God, His heavenly host — a mighty, terrible host, surrounded with the blinding glory of the Almighty’s holiness. Our strength is incomprehensible to you humans.

Why one night while the Assyrian army was surrounding Jerusalem, one of our host went through their camp and put to death 185,000 of their soldiers (2 Kings 19:35). Cute, chubby cherubs, ha! Every time a human actually sees one of us, he collapses in terror. That’s why we always have to start our conversations with: “Fear not!”

Like your human armies, we have ranks and orders, differing duties and tasks. Some angels are not quite so military of course, but me and my boys are a real army. We’ve been in on some of the great campaigns. Our regiment follows the Commander Himself. He has a very particular interest in earth. So many of our operations have brought us into this arena of conflict.

Earth, you know, is contested territory. Oh, there’s no real question of who really rules, but the final mop-up action is being delayed in order to compete certain rescue operations in which the Commander has taken a personal part. We look forward to the end of it all. The day is coming when the last battle will take place. All of the hostiles will gather against our Commander and will mount a terrible offensive. We (and some of you too) will be with Him when He meets the Enemy on that day! There’s no doubt at all about the outcome of that conflict.

In the meantime, our present missions are typically restraining actions related to the ongoing rescue program. We move into an area and secure a perimeter of operations from enemy interference. For instance, on one occasion, Dothan, the village of God’s prophet Elisha, was surrounded by the Syrian army. Our unit was deployed to ensure the safety of the prophet and clear the area of hostiles. Elisha knew we were there. He had notification from our Commander. But the prophet’s servant was uninformed about our presence. Elisha told his servant, “Don’t be afraid. Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha requested from the Commander, that we angels be displayed for the servant’s benefit. So we executed a partial decloaking. The servant was duly impressed; as well he should be (2 Kings 6:8-17).

Most of the time, however, we remain unobserved. But we are present in fearsome power — hundreds, some times thousands of us. We’ve been there in countless operations with the Commander sometimes in warfare against the enemy, sometimes as auxiliary personnel to human endeavors.

I understand many of you may have the notion that serving in an army is a matter of grim, unquestioning duty. That may be the case in some human deployments, but it is emphatically not the case with us in the angel corps. Every last one of us serves because of love for the Commander. We would follow Him anywhere and do anything He requested.

Perhaps you can get some idea of our motivation for service by remembering how the soldiers under David loved him. My squad was in the area one time when David and his command were surrounded by a band of Philistines. At that time David was in his stronghold and he casually remarked how good a drink of water from the well in Bethlehem would taste. Three of David’s men broke through the enemy lines without being discovered and I might add that one of our personnel had something to do with that. They drew water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem and carried it back to David, just because they loved him. (1 Chronicles 11:15-19).

That’s how it is in this army. We love the Commander. Not one of us would hesitate in the slightest to perform any assignment that He might choose to give us. You can hear our love for Him in the songs we sing when we are on the march. How does your proverb go? There are four things that move with stately bearing: a lion, mighty among beasts who retreats before nothing, a strutting rooster, a he-goat, and a king with his army around him (Proverbs 30:29-31). You should see our King with His army around Him!

Actually, some of you did see something like that once. I mentioned earlier that our Commander has taken a very personal interest in the rescue operation on Earth. According to His own plan He left heaven and was born into your human race. It was His mission to effect a decisive blow to the key power center of the enemy, effectively opening the gates from the inside to secure the escape of the rescuees.

We had been with Him in smaller companies since He joined Himself to His human mother’s flesh. We kept her under close guard during her season of pregnancy. But on the night He selected for His human birth, we were all there in full array. There was some possibility that the enemy would attempt to oppose His birth action, so we were prepared to secure the area. Of course, as it happened, the enemy was not encountered in the area that night. Only some time later did he mount a counterstrike through that King Herod. So on the night of our Commander’s birth we had nothing to do but stand watch, until we were ordered to reveal ourselves to a few shepherds. And after making the announcement about our Commanders birth, we sang.

Have you ever heard a really big men’s choir? Start with that idea, but imagine them not in choir robes, but girded for battle. Not grim draftees, but soldiers terrible in joy. Not so few you could count them if you tried, but thousands and thousands. Not bare, four-part harmony, but every voice with a slightly different song and all the voices fitting together like a million pieces of a stained-glass window into the glory of heaven.

Not singing with weak human lungs, but sounding eternal chords like the ones that we used at the creation of the world. Not a song with a few words and a chorus, but a song that could not be contained even if you knew all the greatest words from all the languages of your earth. And this song, if you tried to sing it, would say, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom the Commander’s grace rests.” That is the kind of song the shepherds heard!

That night was singing — a song full of terrible love for the Commander, a song full of God’s love for the earth. (You celebrate Christmas for this same reason, right?) And if you have love for this God who joined your human race, maybe one day you will sing with our army.

As we stand before the throne of our Commander there will be a million upon a million voices of praise, voices singing of endless love, voices singing glory to God in the highest!

That is all I wanted you to know Friends, Hope to see you all soon.

—An Angel Warrior

(written by Jacob Charian)

www.equalsharing.com

I Miss Being A Dad

I will always be a dad even though AA is in Heaven now but I miss being a dad. I miss helping him eat his food or taking baths with him while we play with his toys while singing silly songs that we would make up. I miss watching him sleep, walk, talk, laugh. I miss holding his hand or having him put his head on my shoulder. Just sitting down and watching him play was one of my favorite things to do. His purity and enjoyment were highlights of my days with him. How I miss reading "Thomas & The Jet Engine" to him. I would read that book to him at least 50 times a day. I even miss changing his diaper. You really know you love someone when you say you miss that. It's now 4:30 am and I can't fall asleep because I miss checking up on him every night before I go to bed and just move him slightly to make sure he is breathing. There are so many things I miss of him. These tears hurt. It's like acid tears rolling down my face and heart burning canyons of pain while I struggle to keep moving forward. I do my best to stay positive and happy but the quiet moments are always the worst. The quiet moments ambush your heart and soul and attack with reckless abandon. Stripping you down until you bones show. So many men take their children for granted and just walk away from their responsibilities and feel no sort of remorse. If only they knew how wonderful it is to be a dad maybe they would think differently. If only they knew how special it is to have your child love you, maybe they would realize that there are so many men like me that wished for what they could have. I wish I had my AA back, I wish I could. Sorry for crying AA, I just miss you my son.
Roi

AA Dancing

Hi everyone..
I just wanted to share with you all a video taken of AA from December. This was during one of our chemo admissions. We hope you enjoy seeing him dance.
Roi & Michelle

Butterfly Signs

On Saturday, we had a nice encounter with AA. After leaving a family member's house we noticed that on the back of the car we were using that night there was a beautiful butterfly sitting on the trunk of the car. It appeared to be a Monarch butterfly. It was weird for a number of reasons. It was about 1am when do you ever see a butterfly at night. Secondly,as we stayed outside speaking for about an hour more the butterfly did not move once. Finally, at about 2 am we finally left their house and had to lift the sweet butterfly off of the trunk in order to not risk hurting it. As it was lifted and began to fly, someone said, "hey that's probably AA flying back to Heaven after spending some time with us". As they said that, I saw a shooting star fly right over the sweet butterfly. AA definitely was having a nice time with Mama and Papa.
Life is an ongoing process that does not stop just because our bodies rest perpetually. Our spirit/life force continues to push on into freedom. Always remember, that as our bodies grow older all we have are a bunch of yesterday's and very few tomorrows. Live today and enjoy it for what it is. God bless!
Roi

Staircase Journey

Every Step Feels Like A Life Time

Imagine our lives as a staircase. A staircase that reaches the upper most part of our potential on our spiritual journey. This staircase has many uneven steps that mirror the uneven experiences that we have in our lives. Some of us struggle with this unevenness while others do well. Time spent on this upward journey to Nirvana's gates can fly by for some while some may feel as if they are walking on quicksand, slowly sinking deeper and deeper into each step of life with little hope of reaching the top. I once read that in the Ancient Middle East there was a belief that our souls when departed from this world would be asked two questions when reaching Heaven's gates. The answers according to legend, would determine where your soul would spend the rest of it's eternity. The questions are very simple but extremely profound. 1) Have you found joy in life? 2) Has your life brought joy to others?
I like many, used to see life differently before AA graced my soul with the honor of being his father. I thought that joy was obtained in the material world, but my greatest joy in life began on Dec 05, 2009 when I held the amazing 7.7 pound bundle of joy that was and is AA for the first time.  I am lucky enough to say I have experienced Joy through AA. While experiencing joy I truly feel that I have been able to bring joy to others but most importantly to our AA. Hearing the sound of an excited cry of "Papa" or a sudden spontaneous and powerful kiss of love from your own child is outstanding and truly the best way that they can express their happiness and joy. What makes you happy? I truly do not know that answer but I hope that you do and that if you do not know what makes you happy, that you do your best to find your happiness in life.  Love those around you more, hold them closer each day and tell them how much they mean to you. Each day that passes in our lives takes us a step closer to the top of the staircase and how we answer those questions depends on us. Thankfully AA showed me what really matters on my staircase journey.